Mahathir

Today, my chosen persona is Mahathir.

There have been reports recently of at least two sportsmen who failed doping tests after winning a competition. They were found to have too high testosterone in their system. There was no mistake in the lab results. It’s just one great big misinterpretation. You see, there are guys out there with extremely macho constitutions and they naturally produce more of the male hormone than the average male. So let’s stand up you (Floyd Landis) and I and all the other extra-macho men to repudiate these tests. We must fight for our rights to be what we are and to perform as aggressively and victoriously as our genes demand of us.

If some of my detractors have privately believed that my recent trip to Europe was to get another fix, I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m a natural; I fight and win on my own heat. I may not be as horny as I was before my withdrawal from political intercourse but I can be as thorny with anyone who tries to thwart my shove. So, look out Badawi now that you’ve ruined my dream bridge. I don’t care about the legal or political implications of going ahead with its construction; I care less if the bridge would have been crooked, and gone only half way or nowhere at all. You’ve made me lose to Singapore and any self-respecting Malaysian (read Malay) ought to hang himself for that. My real fix will come when I fix those uppity Singaporeans.

In a Straits Times article today, I was referred to as “an obstreperous and cantankerous andropausal” former prime minister. I’m wondering if the writer is actually referring to another ex-PM. Sure I make a lot of noise and persistently too, but haven’t I already proved that I am a “men-no-pause” kind of guy? Anyway, the more that government-controlled newspaper tries to discredit me, the more they will be tarnishing their own. Here’s a piece of neighbourly advice: never retire, never let go. And when that becomes unavoidable, build a dynasty. I should have listened to my own advice and not left my legacy to other than you own sons. Badawi is not lucky enough to have a clever son, but he’s smart enough to anoint an ambitious son-in-law. I may not be PM of Malaysia again but damn it if I am going to move from the scene before I get to sing.

Another problem I now realize I had was the absolute control of the media. What you over control will end up controlling you. Remember, parents? Your terrorized (by you) children will invariably rebel, or have already rebelled, against your tyranny. The media, more wayward than the worst of children, will cry no tears at your downfall or passing. So if you are planning to censor the local or foreign press, this website or that podcast, or my blog – all your past “glories” will just as easily be blocked out. My fight now is for free and independent media, including, no especially, Malaysiakini.com. I’m sorry I treated you in the past with such a heavy hand.

That’s one apology too much for me. You’ll hear from me again, but it won’t be about regret for any past action. Not to Annuar, not to Badawi, not to Malaysia, and definitely not to Singapore.